NSNG – They call me Missiletits

Annie: I had a hard time finding the place. There are no signs.

Tom Booker: Oh, there are plenty of signs. Just not many of them printed.

– The Horse Whisperer

As I aimed the phone at my chest to take a selfie in my #NSNG shirt, it became evident rather quickly, that fitting all the letters in the frame would be an issue.  I scooched around and managed to get the letters stretched across my shirt into the frame.  In my mind it was a Don Draper move in marketing. Let’s be honest, he did throw Joan’s assets to the car industry.  My intent was not to get a nickname. My intent was to bring attention to my #NSNG (No Sugar No Grains) lifestyle and the man who led me there.

Earlier in the year, a young man I knew, who ate similarly to me with some exceptions, said, “I have a podcast you should listen too, it’s called The Angriest Trainer. The host is Vinnie Tortorich, he’s from New Orleans and sort of rough around the edges.  You really have to listen to about 5 or 6 episodes to get his deal, but his deal reminded me of you, he like eats dairy and shit and is all about no sugar, like you are.  I think if you can if you can get through it, you’ll like it.  But you gotta stick with it to get him”.   He sent me a link.  I downloaded the podcast app, and scanned the selections and picked a few to try. I turned it on and some crazy guitar and a horse whinnying came through and then a voice said, “Your good intentions have been stolen and I am here to help you get them back”.  I instantly fell in love with the hint of Cajun accent and the gravelly sounding voice.  I honestly, don’t remember which old episode I listened to first, but when he said “you can’t outrun sugar” and then later said “…my friend Genie Francis…” (Yes Laura of Luke and Laura) I knew that I was home and had totally fallen for this man. I had known for years that sugar, unless you are blessed with a fantastic metabolism, turns to fat.  I also had known that if you ate grains and potatoes and failed to burn those they in turn turned to sugar which turned to…fat.  Now here was this man, with a voice like The Boss, talking into my headphones and totally agreeing with me.   I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

I couldn’t stop listening; I was downloading podcasts one after the other, snuggling in my bed, in what felt like a ménage et trios’, with Vinnie and his co-host Anna Vocino. The seduction phase of this lifestyle was in full swing.  It felt sort of dirty, but I liked it.  I kept waiting to hear what I had to buy but that episode didn’t seem to exist.  Instead he talked about NASH (nonalcoholic fatty liver disease) and diabetes; real health issues linked to sugars, grains and yes even potatoes. Since I knew people with NASH it made me succumb even further to his Svengali like ways.  I had always said, that the man of my dreams was alive and well and living someplace on a coast somewhere. He lives in California.  He had a way with words, he had a way with facts, and his storytelling to get to a finally get to point, well, we all know how I feel about storytellers. I knew when he wove song lyrics, cursing and sex into a health and fitness show and did it with humor, that I was forever his, whether he wanted me or not. This man came into my life and swept me off my feet. He took all my nutrition bits and pieces I had accumulated over the past 10 or so years, and put them in a simple little gift box tagged “No Sugars No Grains”.  Then in his gravelly voice he said sort of low into my ear the way a lover would, “you can eat whatever else you want”.  It positively sent shivers to all body parts. And if that wasn’t enough and by gosh it ought to be, he said during another podcast again right into my ear “working out is a really poor way to lose weight” I quickly hit the rewind because what I heard couldn’t possibly be right, he’s a trainer. In fact he is a celebrity trainer!  But, I had in fact heard correctly and my body quivered from head to toe as I listened again. (ok, he never said you shouldn’t work out, just that it’s a poor way to lose weight)  Then when in another podcast I heard him say he doesn’t believe in dieting or falling off a wagon, and that losing weight isn’t about math, but biology… well I won’t describe the explosive nature of that reaction. 

Speaking of passion, did I mention his? His podcast is called “The Angriest Trainer”, really it should be called the “Hot and Bothered Trainer”.  Aside from his seductive ways on the air, he is one passionate mother. Yeah I said that… because it’s true.   He is passionate about getting people on a path to good health. He becomes angry when he hears of or sees people who are trying to do all the right things and being sabotaged by the very people trying to guide them. Remember I said earlier I waited to see what I had to buy or what the gimmick was? Well there is no gimmick there is nothing to buy**, he does this because he believes it’s the right thing to do.  To me he is the total package and he has three balls to boot.

So I truly embraced Vinnie and the No Sugar No Grains lifestyle. The benefits are tremendous as science is starting to admit.  I love Vinnie and am convinced his co-host Anna Vocino lives in my head somehow. She seems to be every woman.  They have inspired me to change my life in so many ways, right down to this blog. I have learned so much more than just about health and fitness from them.  And they are funny as shit.

So about that selfie … I have always been one to wear my love on my sleeve. (Well, in this case on my chest) I used it as my Facebook profile picture simply to raise awareness about #NSNG, in a quiet yet provocative way. Eventually Vinnie and Anna heard about it.  Vinnie was impressed by my marketing technique using it as a profile picture.  Being Vinnie he also noticed that that #NSNG was being displayed across my rather healthy lungs, which quickly became the topic of conversation in a fitness podcast and in a heartbeat  #Missiletits was born.

They’re NOT feeding our livestock steak, butter, chicken, fish and vegetables to fatten them. They are feeding them grains..think about that for a moment..

Vinnie Tortorich

** Vinnie does have a best selling book “Fitness Confidential” written with Hollywood producer, Dean Lorey.  It is not a “prescriptive” book, it is more like an inspirational memoir and gives some informative looks into the diet and fitness industries. You do not have to read it to get the benefits of  #NSNG.  If you want to know more about #NSNG simply visit his site Vinnietortorich.com, everything you need is there (even about a 100 podcasts) , and is free.